Crossed into Canada at Niagara Falls and finally busted out my Passport ID. I paid $20 extra when I renewed my last passport book. I thought I could use it in lieu of the book, I don’t care about stamps showing where I travelled. The passport book ruins the line of my jeans. Turns out the thing is only good for land and water travel in North America.
The Canadian customs babe – I’ve never seen a prettier Government employee, I thought she was going to come out of the booth and strip – asked if I had plants, weapons, chemicals, alcohol or mace. I told her I had mace. She told me to pull around because mace is illegal and I must surrender it to the Queen. I thought to myself, bitch don’t need my mace, she could just stomp on any attacker with her hoof.
Then a hot customs dude – Canada, you’re fu€king with me right? – asked me to hand over the mace. I could not find it. I got out of the car and was putting on quite the show, which produced plants, weapons, chemicals and alcohol (extra firewood, hunting knifes, propane and beer.). He must have found me boring because he said never mind, just go, welcome to Canada.